


Pencil

by StayWithMeForTheKids



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StayWithMeForTheKids/pseuds/StayWithMeForTheKids
Summary: A pencil causes Shelby's senior year to deviate from the Lord's path.
Relationships: Dot Campbell & Fatin Jadmani, Dot Campbell & Shelby Goodkind, Martha Blackburn & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 21
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter 1

First day of senior year. College applications will be due in, Miss Teen Texas Pageant contest, and the run for Senior Prom Queen will be on the horizon. It’s a big year. An important year. She can do this. She is Shelby Goodkind, the daughter of the beloved pastor. Lord will be with her.

“Angel of God, my guardian dear. To whom God's love commits me here. Ever this day, be at my side. To light and guard. Rule and guide.” Shelby recites in a whisper, hoping He can hear her.

Shelby opens her eyes, looking over her reflection in the mirror. Her hair is perfectly straight, her nails manicured. Her make-up is enough to make her pretty and fit with her Daddy’s strict standards. Her fingers fiddle with her cross necklace, a nervous habit she’s had since she was little. Shaking herself rid of the nerves, Shelby grabs her retainer and places it into her mouth, watching as the gaps in her teeth are replaced with pearly white teeth, finishing off her pageant winning smile. Shelby’s tongue runs over her teeth, feeling the retainer jostle at the pressure. 

“Shelby, breakfast is ready!”

She straightens up at the sound of her momma’s call. “Coming!” She responds. She gives herself a once over in the mirror before nodding sharply and walking out the door.

Shelby bounces down the stairs grinning brightly at her family when she spots them in the kitchen. Her momma gives her a kiss on the cheek and looks her over with approval.

“Oh, honey you look so darn cute.” She gushes, “I can’t believe my baby is starting her senior year.” Her mom hands her a plate of bacon, eggs, and a single pancake. “

Shelby blushes at her Mom, ducking her head shyly. She looks up when her Daddy walks into the kitchen, sweaty from his bible spin class.

“There she is, our very own future Miss Teen Texas and Prom Queen,” He says, full of pride. He walks over to her, roughing her brother and sister’s hair as he passes them. He frowns when he sees the food on her plate. He tuts and takes it from her grasp. “None of this grease, you know you need to keep as many pounds as you can off.” He hands her an apple instead and then throws her breakfast in the bin. Behind him, JoBeth frowns but stays silent.

Shelby smiles at her daddy, hoping it comes across as thankful and doesn’t reflect the hurt she’s feeling. “Thanks, Daddy.”

“It’s disappointing you won’t be part of the yearbook this year. You are always so good with arts and crafts.” JoBeth muses from the island, a cup of hot water with honey and lemon in her hands.

“Shelby doesn’t need to be wasting her time there. Between her classes, student body president, and Miss Texas duties, she won’t have time.” Dave answers, moving to make his morning protein shake.

Shelby frowns at his words. She was upset when Daddy told her not to sign up for the yearbook this year. She always enjoys the creativity behind it. But Daddy told her no and her Daddy knows what’s best for her.

“How are the sessions going, Hun?” JoBeth asks, taking a sip of her tea.

“I think we are making progress. But it’s going to take a lot of prayers for Kyle to get him back on track. God knows I’ve been praying every day for him.”

Shelby’s throat seizes at the mention of Kyle. She chews slowly on her apple, her eyes downcast. She tries not to think too much about the implications of the fear in her chest at the mention of her Daddy’s sessions. Her hand touches her necklace reflexively.

“We’ve all got to pray for Kyle, make sure he gets back on the righteous path and avoids temptation. God expects us to help a brother in need. We can’t fail him like we failed Becca.” Dave continues.

Shelby finally looks up from the granite of the countertop. Her daddy is watching her carefully. She swallows her apple carefully, her heart pounding at the mention of Becca. “I prayed for him this morning, Daddy,” Shelby says, attempting to smile.

“Good, good.” He smiles at her, but it’s tense and Shelby’s transported right back to that day many months ago. Her Daddy’s ashamed face staring at her, his words causing her heart to pound in fear. She can’t lose her family. Not after losing Becca.

“I best get to school,” Shelby responds, grabbing her backpack and jacket. She gives JoBeth and Dave both a kiss on the cheek and blows kisses to her siblings before rushing out the front door.

Once she reaches her car, she fumbles with her keys, trying to open the door as quickly as she can. “Jesus Christ” She whispers in annoyance. Finally, the door unlocks for her and she gets in. Her heart pounds in her chest and a lump forms in her throat as she stares at the porch where she had said those horrible things to Becca.

Sniffing harshly, Shelby straightens up and starts her car.

* * *

“Andrew’s cheating, isn’t he?”

Dot closes her locker door, shouldering her book bag. She gives Shelby a sideway glance and clears her throat awkwardly. “I wouldn’t know,” She says unconvincingly.

“Come on Dottie, I may be up in the clouds with God but I ain’t obtuse.”

“If you know, then why are you still with the asshole?” Dot shoves her hand into one of the many pockets of her cargo pants. Shelby automatically links their arms, much to the annoyance of Dot.

“Daddy likes him.” Shelby shrugs, smiling brightly at each student they pass, giving them a hey. 

They are an odd pairing, Shelby and Dot. Lord knows that they aren’t who people would usually assume to be friends with each other. Truth is, their friendship is fresh, having started just before the end of junior year. It was a couple of days after Shelby had heard about Becca and she hadn’t been able to properly cry anywhere and Andrew wasn’t doing much for comfort. He never liked Becca.

_ Dot had hesitated when she spotted a sobbing Shelby sitting on her old sofa, her first cigarette of the day resting in her hand. “Shit” Dot whispered, spooked by seeing the beauty queen in such distress.  _

_ At the sound, Shelby looked up and quickly wiped at her eyes. “Oh gosh, sorry. Look at me, being a mess.” Shelby grabbed her bag, “I’ll go.” _

_ Dot still had yet to say anything, very much still processing seeing Shelby without her usual grin. She snapped out of it when Shelby made a move to go, sniffing harshly. “Hey, are you ok?” Dot finally said. _

_ At her question, Shelby’s face crumpled and she slumped back down to the sofa once again. Dot looked around awkwardly, before sitting herself down next to Shelby. “I’ll take that as a no.” She grabbed her lighter out of her pocket, flicking on the flame and lighting her cig. She took a drag, then offered it to Shelby. The other girl shook her head no, her eyes focused on her shoes. _

_ They sat silently for a few minutes, the only sounds being the occasional sniffle from Shelby and Dot’s exhale of smoke. Just as Dot had stubbed out her cigarette, Shelby spoke. “How’s your dad?” _

_ Dot looked at Shelby in surprise, not expecting someone like Shelby Goodkind to know about her life. “Uh, he’s doing ok, I guess. He’s not getting worse. Yet.” Dot figured she has enough time for another cigarette, and so lights a new one. _

_ “Lung cancer?” Dot nodded her affirmation and took a drag of the cigarette.  _

_ She felt Shelby watching her and let out a loud sigh. “I know, it’s stupid of me to smoke all things considered right?” _

_ Shelby shook her head but paused. “Well, yes, but we all have our ways of coping with hard shit. God will forgive for this.” _

_ Dot laughed, not expecting to hear the pastor’s daughter to cuss. “You sing your hymns with that mouth?”  _

_ And Shelby laughed. She laughed the hardest she had in a long time. _

Since that day, their friendship grew and Shelby was glad to have been crying under the bleachers that day. Her summer would have been a lot harder if it wasn’t for Dot. 

“You know I’ll be here no matter what.” Dot replies as they walk down the hall, arms still linked.

“I think we might make a Christian out of you yet, Dottie” Shelby teases.

“Don’t push it.” Dot gives Shelby a playful glare. “You ready for US History? Nothing says welcome to senior year like hearing about our wonderous colonizing first thing in the morning.”

Shelby frowns at this, “Oh actually I don’t have history first period.”

“What? We are in all the same classes.”

“I’m not doing yearbook this year. Daddy thinks it will be better for me to focus on academic studies and the pageant this year, so my schedule has changed. I’ve got AP Biology.”

“Hell yeah God Girl, you’re with me. Can’t wait to study your anatomy.”

The two girls turn to find Fatin behind them, a smirk on her lips. Shelby shifts awkwardly at the innuendo but it goes unnoticed by Fatin, who’s turned her attention to Dot. “Dorothy, the gay vibes are exceptionally strong today and I approve.”

Dot smirks at Fatin. “My day is fulfilled now I have your approval.”

Fatin nods in understanding, her hands clasped in front of her. “As it should.” She looks to Shelby, finally noticing her pale complexion.

"And again, I'm not gay" Dot clarifies. "The pockets are convenient."

Fatin smirks and leans forward like she's telling a secret "Aren't we all a little gay?" When she pulls back, her smirk falls to one of concern. “Jeez Shelbs, you look like you’re about to be sick.”

Dot pokes Shelby in the side and the blonde regains the color in her face. “Oh yeah, think I had a bad breakfast.” She places her hand on her stomach for good measure. Truth be told, she is feeling sick and it definitely is due to Fatin’s comment. The three turn and continue strolling down the hallway, Fatin quickly shoving herself between the two girls.

“Well then thank the Lord we aren’t actually sitting next to each other,” Fatin says in a Texan twang, giving Shelby a teasing smile. “Norah is my partner this year which basically means it’s A’s all around for Fatin.”

Dot scoffs. “Why do you refer to yourself in the third person? You sound stupid.”

“A godly creature like myself cannot be at the same level as you mere mortals. I mean look at me, I’m shit hot.”

“Who am I to argue with one of God’s creations?” Shelby quips, “it wouldn’t be very Christian of me.”

“Exactly. See, Virgin Mary gets it.”

“Whatever, I’ll see you guys later.” Dot says with a roll of her eyes, breaking away from them to walk off to history.

Shelby and Fatin reach their biology classroom soon after, chatting with each other about their summers. To say they had vastly different summers is an understatement. “So if we aren’t sat next to each other, who am I paired with?” Shelby asks as they enter the classroom.

“Toni,” Fatin replies before skipping off to her assigned desk, blowing a kiss to Nora as she sits down. Nora, for her part, puts on a show of accepting Fatin’s kiss.

Shelby freezes mid-step. Toni. Toni Shalifoe. Captain of the basketball team. A girl who is on a whole other world to Shelby, someone who is so clearly comfortable in their sexuality it makes Shelby seethe with jealousy. They’ve hardly interacted in the four years they’ve been at this school. The closest they got to a conversation was when Shelby asked Becca to get Toni’s yearbook quote, which isn’t a conversation if it’s through someone else. At the thought of Becca, Shelby feels her chest tighten and her breathing becomes labored.

“Miss Goodkind, if you could take your seat then I can start the lesson.” Mr. Winters says, breaking Shelby out of her impending panic attack. Plastering on a fake smile, Shelby gives him her apologies and makes her way to her desk.

Her eyes fix on Toni, already sitting at their desk. Her dark hair covers the side of her face as she stares out the window, rocking on her stool gently. Her hands are stuffed into her tanned jacket and Shelby silently wonders how warm the jacket is. Toni is always wearing it. The basketball captain doesn't spare Shelby a glance as she takes her seat beside her. Before Shelby can give a cheery greeting to the quiet girl beside her, Mr. Winters begins the lesson.

Taking out her stationary, Shelby eagerly opens her new notebook and delicately writes the date in the top margin, taking the time to make it perfect. She hears Toni scoff beside her and chances a glance, seeing Toni’s gaze flick away from her notebook to her own bag. Shelby looks out the corner of her eye as Toni rummages around the disorganized mess, pulling out her own notebook.

A few seconds tick by with more of Toni’s rummaging, the sound distracting Shelby from focusing on what Mr. Winters is saying. Shelby closes her eyes tightly. Lord, please make her stop. Her eyes open at the sound of a huff next to her and then a tap on her arm. Shelby’s eyes flick down to the offending finger, still prodding at her forearm. Finally, Shelby turns her gaze to Toni and she finds herself becoming rooted to her chair.

Toni’s dark eyes stare at her, her eyebrow raised. Shelby never knew how dark Toni’s eyes are. Probably because she’s never sat next to the girl or been close enough to her to see. The corner of Toni’s mouth twitches and Shelby’s eyes flicker to the movement. They quickly look away when she catches herself. Her hand grabs on to her necklace and her heart thumps erratically.

“Shelby,” Is Toni’s voice always this deep and rough? Shelby shakes the thought away and instead thinks of Andrew and his deep voice, hoping it can clear her thoughts. “Can I borrow a pencil?” Ok nope, Andrew has been replaced by Toni and Shelby feels the beginnings of a familiar panic. 

There’s another prod to Shelby’s arm and she manages to focus. “I’m sorry, what?” Shelby says, closing her eyes momentarily and pushing away any other thoughts about the girl beside her.

“Can I borrow a pencil?” Toni asks again, this time slower as if she’s speaking to a child.

“Oh sure,” Shelby drops her necklace and turns to her pencil case, searching for another pencil. When she can’t find one she panics and holds out the pencil she’s been using to Toni. “Here, take this one.”

Toni glances between the pencil and Shelby, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She hesitantly takes the pencil, mumbling a quiet thanks to her. Shelby gives her a tight smile and turns back to face the front. 

Just as she notices that she now has no pencil to write her own notes with, a pencil is placed in front of her. Shelby locks eyes with Fatin, who gives her a knowing look, her eyes glancing between Shelby and Toni. Shelby gives her a thankful smile and picks up the pencil, willing herself to try and focus on the lesson.

Shelby tries to focus but she can’t help but recognize the familiar feeling in her chest, it’s the same she had with Becca. This can’t be happening again, it can’t. Shelby won’t allow it. The Lord is clearly testing her to see if she’ll make the same mistake again. Passing tests is something Shelby is good at.

The fear in Shelby’s stomach tells her this is one test she won’t pass.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby's gay panic rears its ugly head.

Shelby’s movements are slow and careful, her eyes focused on her feet below her. She’s off-balance and so leans to the side, evening out the pull of gravity against her body. With precision, her white sneakers walk along the wall behind her and Dot’s spot.

Dot, as usual, sits on the old sofa, elbows resting on knees and her pensive gaze turned to the football field. Her eyes glance at Shelby as she takes a drag from her cigarette. “What are you doing?”

“Balancing,” Shelby responds. Isn’t it obvious that’s what she is doing? She reaches the end of the wall and turns herself around, starting her balancing game back the other way. It’s helping her focus, a skill that appeared to leave her earlier in Chem. 

“I can see that. Is the balancing beam your new pageant trick?”

Shelby chuckles gently, shaking her head side to side. She looks up briefly to grin at Dot. “It’s fun.”

“I love to balance,” Fatin pipes up from her sprawled position beside Dot, her legs thrown over the back of the sofa, her eyes no longer fixed on her phone. Shelby and Dot glance at each other, waiting for the- “On a big, throbbing dick” - There it is. Fatin chuckles happily, nudging at Dot's shoulder with her foot.

“Just when I didn’t think you could gross me out anymore, you surprise me.” Dot remarks, shoving Fatin’s foot away from her shoulder. “Your Gucci shoes are getting my shirt dirty.”

Fatin sits herself up and levels Dot with a ‘girl please’ look. “Dottie, we both know it’s your shirt getting  _ my _ shoes dirty.” She reiterates her point by poking Dot in the cheek. Dot immediately responds with a swipe at Fatin, and soon they fall into their usual play fighting.

Shelby giggles at her friends, coming to a stop at the end of the wall. “How hard do you think it would be for me to do a handstand on here?” She asks, breaking Dot and Fatin away from their brawl.

Fatin barks out a laugh, “Shelbs, we’ve seen you dance and, well, we all know why that’s not your pageant trick.”

Dot flicks away the bud of her cigarette. “Yeah, you look like a dad and a drunk aunt dancing at a wedding, merged into one.”

“I don’t think dancing correlates to my being able to do a handstand.” She extends her arms above her head, getting ready to rock herself forward. Her back foot lifts onto her tiptoes and she bounces a few times.

“How about we don’t test to see if the Lord is with you today.” Dot has moved off the sofa and grabbed hold of Shelby’s arms, bringing them back to her side with a little pat.

“Shelby, I have a question,” Fatin says, rotating her legs so they hang over the arm of the settee. Shelby nods at Fatin, wary of what the question may entail. Knowing Fatin, there’s a ninety percent chance the question involves something sexual. She begins to walk across the wall again, her arms out by her side as she does so. This time, Dot walks beside her, hands ready for any sign of wobble. “You know how God is always watching us and all that bullshit?” Shelby hums in answer, “Does that mean he’s also watching when you…” She trails off, causing Shelby to look up at her, her eyebrows raising in question. Fatin glances down to her crotch “You know,” Her hand drifts down, “Give yourself some attention.”

A laugh barks out of Shelby before she can stop it. She stops her walking and turns to Fatin with a smile so sweet it would give you a cavity. “Why Fatin, I sure don’t know what ya mean.” Fatin rolls her eyes and Shelby turns her attention back to the wall, continuing her walk. “For I am a good Christian girl who does not think of such impurities.” She speaks with the strongest Texan twang she can muster, putting all her effort into overacting the role of the pious girl she’s meant to be.

“Cut the crap Strawberry Shortcake,” Fatin responds, a smirk on her lips. “You’ve for sure twiddled the twat, what with you dating beefcake Andrew.” When Shelby and Dot look at her in puzzlement, Fatin continues. “I have eyes, and that boy is nothing short of delightful. If you weren’t with him, Shelbs, I’d be on that like a bad rash.”

Shelby smiles to herself, “You can have him.” she shrugs with indifference, “You wouldn’t be the first girl he’s cheated on me with.” A secret frown forms on Shelby’s lips.

“Hold up, that bastard is cheating on you?” Fatin stands up, outrage pouring out of her voice.

“What happened to him being a beefcake?” Dot asks with a smirk.

Fatin folds her arms across her chest. “No one is a beefcake if they are cheating on someone as stunning as our Shelby here.” She turns to Shelby, who’s made her way to the end of the wall, and has now spun back around again. “Why are you still with him?”

“Daddy likes him.”

“Oh and so your Dad has the final say on who you date?”

“That’s kind of how my life works, Fatin. You know this.”

“I thought you’d have some autonomy, at least.”

Shelby pauses on the wall and turns to Fatin, a deep frown on her face. Whilst what Fatin is saying is true, she just doesn’t understand how Shelby can’t dump Andrew. Dumping Andrew means questions from her Daddy which means more lies from Shelby. She knows her father will refuse to believe he’s cheating. It’s easier if Shelby can hide her biggest lie behind the physical form of Andrew. Once he’s gone, there’s nothing to protect her.

“Fatin.” Dot’s voice is firm and not without warning. When Fatin drops her arms and shrugs, Shelby silently thanks Dot for being the mediator. She always knows what to say to stop Fatin from poking further.

“You deserve someone better” At Dot’s glare, Fatin puts her hands up in surrender. “That’s all I’m going to say.”

“Hey.”

It’s a foreign voice and the trio’s heads immediately whip to the source. Toni stands a couple of feet back from them, her hands in the pockets of her jacket and a shocked look gracing her features, caused by the sharp hawk-like turns the girls made to stare at her.

Shelby’s feet come to an abrupt halt at the sight of her. She stumbles forward, her balance swaying. Dot’s hands immediately find her waist and steady her. Shelby inhales sharply and closes her eyes, her cheeks blushing at her almost fall. When she opens them, she spots Toni leaning back, her right foot moving back beside her left. There’s a skid in the mud in front of her, almost like she jerked forward suddenly. Shelby shakes her head, deciding it’s best not to dwell on it. She takes Dot’s offered hand and jumps off the wall, landing firmly on her feet. 

“Toni,” Fatin greets her, her arms outstretching beside her, “Welcome to our abode!”

Toni looks around at the old sofa, cigarette buds and old gum stuck to the underside of the bleachers. “This isn’t exactly where I’d pictured you’d hang out, Fatin.”

“I come here to humble myself y’know.” Fatin responds, nodding as if she said a profound statement.

“Yeah, you’re a real Mother Teresa” Dot drawls, moving to sit back down on the old sofa. In retaliation, Fatin decides to sit as close to Dot as she can, throwing her body over the other girl in order to annoy her. 

Shelby smiles at the two of them, giggling when Dot holds Fatin back as she tries to place a sloppy kiss on her cheek. 

“So, uh,” Shelby looks back to Toni, watching as she cautiously takes a step forward. “You’re kind of difficult to find. I went to the yearbook room but you weren’t there.”

Shelby holds back the smile that threatens to pull at her lips. Toni knows she’s on the yearbook committee, or well, was on it. “Yeah, I quit it this year.” She clasps her hands together in front of her, twiddling her thumbs. 

A small frown pulls at Toni’s lips and Shelby’s eyes zero in on the action. Realizing her mistake, Shelby quickly looks away and her hand moves to grapes at her necklace. “Ah, ok,” Toni mumbles, biting on her bottom lip for a moment. She takes a step forward and takes her hand out of her pocket. “I wanted to give you this back.”

Shelby looks down and sees her pencil, she looks back at Toni quizzically. “You looked for me...to give me back my pencil?” A soft pink colors Toni’s cheeks and Shelby decides at that moment she’s never seen anyone more beautiful. Then, like a crack of a whip, she sees her Daddy’s disappointed stare, the same one he had on his face after the Becca conversation.  _ “I don’t want you to be alone, Shelby.”  _ His voice rings in her head and her grip on her necklace tightens.

“Yeah, you kinda took off after Chem before I could give it back.”

Shelby did bolt as soon as the bell rang. The confusion and guilt she was feeling throughout Chem, the thoughts running through her head were focused on one thing. Toni. Shelby couldn’t focus on her work, her eyes constantly flicking to Toni every time she brushed her hair back from her face and every time she turned the page of her textbook. Any little movement, Shelby saw it and noted it. So, when the bell gave Shelby the release she needed, she took it as fast as she could. It’s surprising she remembered to take her bag and notebook in her haste.

“Bathroom.” Shelby blurts, causing Toni to furrow her eyebrows. Shelby involuntarily takes a step forward, her words spewing out of her. “I uh, I really had to pee and I get performance anxiety if there’s uh people around so I tend to sing but most people tend to hate having a singer beside them as they...empty...themselves…” She trails off, realizing she’s given Toni a lot more information than she needed. Her hand tightens around her necklace as her embarrassment washes over her. 

The furrow between Toni’s brows deepens, but it’s soon accompanied by an amused smirk. “You sing in the bathroom?”

Shelby feels her cheeks redden. “...Only sometimes.”

A snort escapes Toni, “Ok. Anyway, here’s your pencil.” She holds out the pencil again to Shelby, an expectant look on her face.

“Oh, keep it,” Shelby says, waving Toni’s hand away. “I have a boatload at home.”

Toni quirks her eyebrow, her gaze drifting over Shelby for a moment. “A boatload.” She says slowly, a hint of teasing in her voice. “So that’s how the one percent live huh?”

“Yeah, and you peasants can’t have any, Shalifoe!” Fatin intersects, having successfully planted a wet kiss on Dot’s cheek, who’s now rubbing away at the skin with a small scowl.

Toni’s eyes drift over to Fatin, her lips quirking. “Noted.” She shoves her hand back into her jacket pocket, Shelby’s pencil along with it. She moves her gaze back to Shelby and tilts her chin up. “I’ll see you around.” She says, before turning on her heel and walking away.

When Toni turns the corner of the bleachers, Shelby finally relaxes her grip on her necklace. She looks down at the red skin of her palm, the indents of the cross marking her skin. Shelby stretches her hand, watching as the indents disappear momentarily.

Fatin whistles, “Well that was some gay shit if I’d ever seen it.”

Shelby’s flexed hand tightens into a fist and her back goes rigid. Her chest becomes tight, her panic building steadily. She closes her eyes and again is greeted by the face of her Daddy, his frown deep and angry. The same words from before ring in her head, reverberating around the space. Without a word to Dot and Fatin, she takes off running, leaving nothing but a trail of dust behind her.

Dot shoves Fatin sharply. “Nice, Fatin. Real fucking nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I'm flaky.


End file.
